Thread: Here's The Comedy Club - Stop Here for a Smile- OFTEN

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male
dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach
her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,
she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the
words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent
sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says,
"I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination
or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and says, "How well can you do?"

" Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as
dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the
three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns
to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy
circumstances, and their married life had not been anything
to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived
together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to
ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with
amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time
came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which
Ole based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned
that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the
'Green, Green Grass of Home'."

"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow
old because you stop laughing.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his
chain and gag himself.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.

9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people
happy?

12. Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside
us.

13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?

14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors. But they all have to learn to live in
the same box.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler.

19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on
a detour.

20. Happiness sometimes comes through doors you didn't even
know you left open.

21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the
food.

23. If not for STRESS, some days I'd have no energy at all.

24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have
film.

26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just
wish He didn't trust me so much.

27. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

29. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can
adjust our sails.

30. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.

31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about
you today!

This cute older couple walked into McDonald's one day and order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one coke. The cashier asks if that's all they want, and they say yes, because after all the years together, they've learned to share everything. They then sit down and the man cuts the hamburger in half and divides the fries, then starts eating while the woman sits patiently. Quite a few people ask if she would like something to eat, but she says she's used to sharing everything and she's just waiting. People keep asking this and she keeps giving the same answer, patiently as you please. Someone finally asks what she's waiting for and she says "I'm waiting for the teeth."

I remember getting an email the other day about ways to know if you're a true Texan. I read the list and realized...yep, I'm a true Texan :P Here's a few -

-You've roadkilled more armadillos than people from other states have ever seen.

-You can correctly pronounce Waxahachie, Corsicana, Palestine, Witchita Falls, Amarillo, and Waco.

-You know a tornado siren's just to let you know that it's time to go and look outside for a funnel.

-You've ever had to switch from heat to a/c in the same day.

-You know it's not YOU that has the accent :wink:

-You measure distance in minutes.

And....the number one way - if you've ever heard this conversation (bonus points if you've SAID it!)

Hey, you want a Coke?
Yeah
What kind?
Sprite

A new member posting jokes for us! I need jokes! Thanks Texas Lance!

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart alec Tex" said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he ought as soon as he gets back"

"Not Tex" said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now"

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted "Audi, partners!"

A few of those -walked into a bar jokes.

*A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm lookin' for the man that show my paw"

*Two guys walk into a bar...and go "OUCH!"

*A cowboy walks out of a bar and sees that someone has painted his horse a bright pink (we're talking fuscia here...) and he runs back in and yells "ALRIGHT! Who's the low down, sorry, son of a jackrabbit that painted my horse pink?" This huge seven foot tall, 300 pound cowboy stands up and says "I did." The first cowboy then replies, "Oh, I just thought you might want to know that the first coat's dry."

*A mushroom walks into bar (work with me here). The bartender says "Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to leave, we don't serve your kind here..." to which the mushroom replies, "Why not, I'm a fungi!"

*A guy runs into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick! Pour me a drink! I'm about to be in some reeeeally big trouble!"
So the bartender obliges, and the process repeats itself, "Quick! Pour me another, I'm about to be in some reeeeal big trouble!"
After going through this a few times, the bartender says "Say, son, what kinda trouble are you going to BE in?"
The man replies, "I don't have the money to pay for these drinks."

*A man drops to the sidewalk after leaving a bar and people run and circle around him.
"Call 911!" one passerby says.
"Give him CPR!" another speaks up.
"Give him some whiskey!" an old lady says.
People keep yelling suggestions until the man pops up and say "Shut up and listen to the old lady, will ya?"