Thread: Where Have All the Manners Gone?

For the last four years, I've had a relationship with a local seminary. Students who have no where to go for the holidays have always been welcome at my B&B Inn. After a lavish dinner, the seminary students have always retired to the parlor where they watched DVDs until the wee hours of the morning. While watching movies, I stuffed them with ice cream, fresh fruit, homemade caramel popcorn, brownies and other assorted treats. The snacks and meals served to these studentshave always been complimentary.

Why have I done this? When I was an undergraduate, I had no place to go for the holidays. My home was simply too far away. I spent most of my holidays in my dorm and typically ate turkey a la king in the dining hall served by dour faced cafeteria ladies who didn't want to be at work any more than I wanted to be on campus.

So - for the last four years, seminary students have been coming to my B&B inn for Easter, July 4th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Chinese New Year dinners.

Since I'm not married and have never had kids of my own, I admit that it's been fun to host these young men and women. I have particularly enjoyed Christmas because all of my guests have received stockings stuffed with gifts. Christmas has also given me the excuse to be exceptionally lavish with dinner and past meals have included prime rib, roast goose with chestnut sauce, and crepes stuffed with slices of wild boar with cranberry relish.

The seminary recently flew in 35 Taiwanese high school students for a month of some sort of international Christian youth training. Since my B&B is closed, the seminary rented another B&B for a month. They're paying an astounding $300 per student. The students brought their own sleeping bags. They get no meals at the B&B and fresh towels are only issued once a month.

For breakfast, the students go to the seminary where they have cereal. For lunch they have sandwiches. The only hot meal they get is catered by a local restaurant for $8.50 per person.

Since sandwiches and cereal are not part of the normal Taiwanese diet, I got in touch with the youth director and made arrangements to cater a complimentary Chinese lunch. I made:

50 portions worth of chicken lo mein noodles

50 portions of fried turnip cakes

100 cups worth of pork congee. Congee is a very thick soup that resembles oatmeal but is made with rice and broth. Congee is typically topped with any variety of toppings that include: fried noodles, pork cracklings, minced scallions, soy sauce, sesame seed oil, chili paste etc.


I brought everything to the residential hall and was set up for buffet service precisely at 12 noon as per our agreement ... and nobody came. At 12:10 a student messenger came to tell me that the youth leader's activity had over run. He would try and get the Taiwanese students to me by 12:35.

I was not happy. The food was piping hot at 12 noon. I had no way of keeping it warm. Unwilling to serve cold or lukewarm food to the students, I left the food and returned home.

The youth pastor later later sent me an e-mail to apologize for having been 35 minutes late. In his letter of apology he acknowledged that food was "important" to me.

I went from being disappointed to being rather annoyed. To my way of thinking, the youth pastor had missed the entire point.

We had made an agreement for me to serve a complimentary meal at 12 noon. I spent $50 on ingredients and six hours in preparation. By not bringing the students to lunch on time, I felt as though the pastor had disregarded my expenditure of funds as well as all of my time and effort. The indirect message was that his activity was more important than my service. I also felt as though I had been demoted. Instead of being a friend of the seminary, I had been relegated to the role of a servant who had been told to "wait" until the "master" was available for lunch.

After returning home and receiving the e-mail from the youth pastor, I replied with an e-mail of my own. I suggested that good manners mean more than saying please or thank you. Good manners also involve a certain degree of sensitivity to the needs of others. By being deliberately late to lunch, the youth pastor had not only been disrespectful of me, but I think he was also disrespectful of the 35 Taiwanese students for whom the lunch had been intended.

The dean of students wrote back to say, "I don't understand why you're upset. The youth pastor apologized."

8O

Am I out of step with reality? Does common courtesy no longer have a place in our society? My father tells me that the manners of today are not the manners that I was raised with ... but truly, shouldn't pastors at a seminary be a tad more sensitive?

Aren't pastors like teachers? Are we not looked upon as role models within our communities?

I'm a little annoyed at the seminary but I'll eventually get over it. Despite my annoyance, I've just reconfirmed an up-coming donation. Prior to moving out of the inn, I've made arrangements to donate a great many of my furnishings to the seminary's dormitory. Since I'm moving from an 8 bedroom inn with three dining rooms, two kitchens, and two parlors to a tiny two bedroom apartment, I have no need for most of the furniture that currently graces this old building.

I told the Dean of Students that I would still be pleased to donate bedroom furniture, clock radios, lamps, waste baskets, bedding, towel sets, irons, portable luggage racks, a refrigerator, and garden tools to the seminary.

I have not asked for any reimbursement though I have asked for the Dean of Students to PLEASE stop lecturing me on the graciousness of forgiveness and the importance of turning the other cheek.

I'm really not in the mood for e-mail sermons ... and yes, I'm horribly annoyed over my experience with lunch. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

I admit to being extremely old fashioned. I was raised in an age when gentlemen still doffed their hats to ladies. I'm just barely old enough to remember having to wear a suit and tie for a trans-Atlantic flight on a TWA Constellation (one of the old four engine prop planes prior to the advent of the Boeing jets).

Although it may be hard to believe, I think the graciousness and charm infused in the walls of this old building (built in 1873) has somehow rubbed off on me, making me even more conservative than I was before I bought and refurbished this B&B Victorian inn.